Query 1 Rewrite

As a special perk to being our very first query critique, I’ve given Daring Cobra a revision critique. I’ll post her rewrite here so you can see the improvements (special thanks also her writing group who also helped). See the original here to compare.


 

Dear Ms. Nelson,

Seventeen year old Susan Black’s ability to control all forms of earth helps her protect the city of Caperville from dastardly villains and monsters. No one suspects quiet, mild mannered Susan to be the mysterious and alluring Vine Vixen. When an arrogant new superhero called The Gray Eagle rolls into town and steals her thunder, he becomes an instant celebrity and a pain in her ass.

Thanks to his stupid x-ray vision, The Gray Eagle sees right through The Vine Vixen’s mask and finds her at school. The superdouchebag enrolls as his alter ego Grayson Clark, to spend more time with her. Susan is put off by his carelessness with the two personas. With each day, Grayson’s popularity grows and the line between him and The Gray Eagle blurs. His presence puts Susan’s own secret identity at risk.

In spite of their differences, the heroes become partners in crime fighting. Over time Susan falls for Grayson’s charm and compassion, but the closer she feels to him, the further away he seems. He’s spewing lies and half-truths, and as the secrets pile up between them, Susan wonders if her true enemy has been staring her in the face the whole time.

SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF is a 58,000 word YA superhero romance. It will appeal to the fans of Natalie Whipple’s Transparent and Rachel Hawkin’s Rebel Belle.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Daring Cobra

The sentence “the closer she feels to him, the further away he seems” could be tightened up to make it a little easier to understand. Otherwise, I think this rewrite is rad. Nice flow to it. And like I said, I’m a sucker for superheroes, so I think this is the bomb.com.
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