Query Critique 86

Byron enjoys his damned existence as a vampire until the night he attacks a young twentysomething with a gold cross around her neck. A pang of guilt prevents him from hurting her as she stirs memories of when he had been human so long ago.

Although red belt librarian Grace is frightened of the vampire, she thinks his act of conscience might mean he isn’t damned after all. This paragraph should be longer than just a sentence. I’m interested in knowing why Grace is willing to help this vampire or what makes her think he isn’t damned. Just the one sentence paragraph here makes the query feel choppy.

The quest for Byron’s soul leads them to uncover an ancient conspiracy to keep vampires damned forever—and brings them far closer than either intended. While rejoining Byron and his soul may save him, he might end up dead for the final time.  You need a lot more explanation here. “quest” and “ancient conspiracy” are both concepts that should be explained in way more depth. I also see that you’re trying to create stakes here, which is good. But I think they could be a little stronger. I need to know just what he is in danger of dying from. The query lacks a clear antagonist. Just in general, the conflict needs to be explored more thoroughly.

HIS SOUL PURPOSE is a 90,000-word paranormal romance. Any comp titles? Also, vampires are a really hard sale right now, so it would be good if you could incorporate some way to let the reader know what would set your book apart from other vampire books already on the market.

I have two trilogies with Desert Breeze Publishing. Swoon Romance has published two Regencies, and Astraea Press published a YA novella and two Regency time travels. Nineteen of my short works have appeared in various anthologies, including Holiday Magick by Spencer Hill Press.

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