Query Critique 72

Ginnifer’s past vanished at five when her parents died in a fire. I think some of the stuff later in the query would make a better hook. A lot of books feature dead parents. Now sixteen, all that remains is endless nightmares and visions which she hardly can recall the next day. Other than the fact that someone is ALWAYS trying to kill her in them! The exclamation point is a little distracting. Also, the wording here could be a little smoother. I’d also like to see some indication if why these dreams seem more like visions than dreams.

Her adopted gypsy-born consider using Romani instead of gypsy family only tells her that the dreams will fade with time, but everything changes when three new students show up at school. Ginnifer is drawn to them; especially the bad boy that most parents warn about. (It’s the eyes…definitely the eyes) This little aside sort of provides voice, but I find it a little distracting. Suddenly, a girl dies at the football game: the very same girl she had a vision of that morning. It was a memory…so now she’s not a total mental case. I fail to see how this makes her more normal. I would be freaking out!

But as more deaths take hold of the town, Ginnifer is determined to find her connection to them. She learns that she’s an Abnormal, a half-mortal with a masked rare gene. This is The Big Idea of the book. I’d like to see it featured more prominently and sooner. Exploring this idea is more important than knowing the back story of how she learned this. One whose life will always be surrounded by blood. Then the bombshell: the killer might actually be targeting her. 

As if being a junior in high school wasn’t hard enough. Not only is she in a twisted gypsy protection program from someone who wants her dead, but she is torn between the life she knows and the life she forgot. Ginnifer is hell bent to find an in between. She must make a choice: either seek out the killer and fight or stay hidden. Beef up the stakes by giving us more of a reason why she wants to stay hidden, because right now it doesn’t seem like a very compelling reason.

ABNORMALS is a 94,000-word YA urban fantasy. This book would appeal to fans of The Vampire Academy and The Mortal Instruments.

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