Query Critique 71

Dear [Agent Name],

I’m currently seeking representation for my NA romantic suspense novel, BEWARE OF BOLTON MANOR. Given your interest in the romance genre, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. 

In order to finally snag the coveted promotion at her posh firm – and prove she’s more than a broken-home statistic – junior estate agent Olivia Abate must secure the Bolton Manor listing before her tawdry coworker. Good hook. Their unethical rivalry takes a grim turn when the old woman who owns the property suffers a mental breakdown. This is pretty good but could be expanded upon a little. What about the rivalry is unethical? 

Ignoring her initial hesitation, Olivia agrees to spend a week in real estate hell, amidst quaint guests fond of collecting serial killer memorabilia, perpetually hungover nieces, and apathetic servants. Again, pretty good. But what exactly is she doing that’s real estate agent hell? Her only escape is the dry-humored heir of the estate, Thomas Bolton, who appears to be as starved for companionship as the manor is for renovation. I like this sentence! Despite his persistent attentions, Olivia fears crossing the professional line will give her an unjust advantage.

That fear vanishes along with her coworker, and Olivia must face the gutting possibility that she might lose not only her career, but also her life.  I think this idea should get a little more space. Her coworker disappears. That’s attention grabbing, so make sure you flesh that idea out properly!

BEWARE OF BOLTON MANOR is complete at 70,000 words, and is a standalone novel with series potential. The manuscript is available upon request. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hawkgirl

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