Query Critique 68

Pride of Divinians, the royal family stands above all. This sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Led by someone who can manipulate people and beasts alike, a coterie agrees that the royalty must go. Princess Raylene rides high on expectations. To her, the battlefield is more appealing than a courtroom. I’m a little confused by most of this paragraph. So there’s a rebellion led by a manipulator, and the Princess wants to join in? If that’s right, I want to know why she’s willing to betray her own family to join this rebellion.

The king takes a fatal fall. His shields call it an accident. Princess Raylene thinks otherwise. The empress is reluctant to pay heed to her words, and instead questions her sanity. She takes it upon herself to uncover the truth—no matter which tactic she may have to apply. She being Raylene or the empress? In a bid to keep the empire from falling, she takes over the duties of the critically injured king and the grieving queen. Is the queen different than the empress? All the while, she struggles with the scars of the past, and her feelings for her childhood friend. Scars of the past seems a little vague, and the crush on her friend seems irrelevant to the rest of the query.

An assassination attempt on the empress forces her to make a difficult choice—which sends her straight to prison. I’d like more information on what this difficult choice is. The castle is in jeopardy, with its protective wall gone, and an army of blood-thirsty monsters marching towards it. Why is the wall gone? Can you be more specific about what type of monsters? Raylene must find a way out else she’ll lose not just her place as the heir, but also the lives of her dear ones.

First in the Princess Divine YA fantasy series, UPRISING is complete at 81,000 words. If you’re pitching a series, it’s good to say how many books are in the series.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

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