Query Critique 66

If being shy around girls were a serious disease, sixteen-year-old Jason Martyr would be on the terminal list.  It turns out girls are the least of his worries when a secret government agency abducts him, claiming he has a rare genetic ability to travel through time.  I like this opening! Fun spin on the “so and so was a normal teen until…” formula I see a lot. The agency threatens Jason’s family and friends to ensure his cooperation. Something about this sentence seems a little abrupt. I think it may be the wording more than the concept. Important information, though, obviously.

His mission is to go back in time to stop a ruthless secret society called the Masters of Infinity from altering history and taking control of the future.  Their next attack is a 1937 coup attempt aimed at deposing FDR and installing a fascist dictator in his place.  If the Masters succeed, the U.S. may never take part in World War II, setting off a catastrophic domino effect through the rest of the timeline. Good job establishing conflict!

All Jason wants is to return to his normal life and the quest for the perfect girl. Before that can happen he must survive martial arts training from the most dangerous fighter in the world, and then prevent the Masters’ henchmen from carrying out the coup. His enemies know he is coming, and have some lethal surprises in store for him. I don’t know if this is necessary. It’s a little to vague to have a real punch, and you’ve already established a lot of conflict in the letter. Jason will go home when he completes the mission – if he survives.  It’s good that you’re establishing stakes. I think it could have a little bang though. This last sentence isn’t terrible, but it feels a little weaker than the rest of the query. Overall, a very good summary though.

THE DESTINY MATRIX, a work of speculative fiction for the YA market, is complete at 82,000 words. I don’t particularly mind “speculative fiction” as a genre label, but I know some agents prefer something more specific.  It features action sequences similar to the television series Chuck, and light science fiction aspects similar to Roland Smith’s Cryptid Huntersseries.  It is a stand-alone novel with series potential. 

I have a bachelor’s degree in journalism and MBA with emphasis in marketing, both from the University of Missouri. 

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

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