Query Critique 65

Something monstrous lurks in the abandoned house on the edge of town, and Lenora’s séances have attracted its attention. I think this is the start of a good hook, but I think the wording could be condensed by saying something like “Lenora’s séances have attracted something monstrous in the abandoned house at the edge of town.”

When their friend David died in that house, James became obsessed with the idea that the death wasn’t quite permanent. Again, I think the wording could be a little smoother. This could say something along the lines of “Lenora’s friend James is obsessed with the idea that… Play around with the wording. The séances are supposed to conjure David’s spirit and convince James to give up pestering Lenora. David’s spirit is nowhere to be found. She questions whether James might be right, and when a local teenager says he saw David in the woods, Lenora decides she has to learn the truth. Discovering what happened to David will mean figuring out what has taken up residence in that house. Is it worth risking the creature’s wrath, or will finding David just bring her face to face with a second monster? I’m wondering if Lenora has any qualifications to perform séances. Has she done it before? How does she know if it’s working or not. If James is so convinced that David is there some how, why isn’t he performing the séances? In general, a bit more world-building would be good.Also, just try to make sure the writing is as smooth as possible. Have somebody else read it out loud and see where they stumble.

I’m going to assume that this is just the synopsis portion of the query, because it needs to have additional information on word count, genre, comp titles, ect.


2 thoughts on “Query Critique 65

  1. Thanks again for doing this Kyra! I’ve written about three different queries since I sent this to you, and your advice is very helpful!

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