Query Critique 63

Dear __________,

While following your (webpage/twitter/etc) I have noticed that you are interested ______ and _______. I feel that A DREAM AWOKEN would be a good fit for both of these.

Valeria West is a girl trapped in between two nightmares.

By day, the nightmare is her time at Bellowes Charter School, where her choice of friendships has Valeria caught in the crossfire of a school popularity war.  At night, Valeria is plagued by dreams of hot sand, spilled blood, and a sword that somehow knows her name. 

After a particularly vicious attack by her schoolyard nemesis, Valeria finds herself overwhelmed by despair. While contemplating her final escape, she is drawn into the dream world instead, and finds herself being forced to serve the whims of a girl who shares her same face. Morning brings with it the uncomfortable realization that the other world was as real as the blood on Valeria’s hands. I would like a hint earlier on that this is speculative fiction. Try to weave in the fantasy elements sooner.

As she struggles to come to terms with the new reality, Valeria discovers things about herself, love, and her best friend Keiko that she never imagined. However, Valeria has little time to explore any new possibilities, for she brought home one other souvenir from the other world – a blood curse that is killing her from within. THIS. This is the big conflict. This is the main idea. And it’s only getting one sentence! Play this element up more because it’s the most exciting part of the query.

In the end, Valeria will be given a choice – to take up a sword once more to save the soul of an empire as well as her own, or let both be consumed by madness. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m a little confused by what “both” in this sentence is supposed to be referring to. Also, I think you could try to be just a little more specific about the stakes.

A DREAM AWOKEN is a completed 150,000 work epic fantasy that is my first novel, and can be either a stand-alone novel or part of a series. Is this YA? MG? Tell me who your audience is!   The manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

U. Been Cursed

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