Query Critique 56

Dear (Agent Name),

In the three years since the plague mutated and eradicated half of human civilisation, the members of the Junior Reconnaissance Unit 5/07 have done the following:

Run an approximate distance of twelve thousand kilometres.

Witnessed a little over nine hundred deaths.

Terminated a combined total of seven hundred and twenty two infected people.

But the plaque is basically under control now, and the six of them need a break. And they’ve been promised one by central headquarters, as soon as their mission is over. I think the query would read a little easier if it was condensed from lots of really short paragraphs into a few longer ones.

Then, one of them recruits a mysterious sharpshooter, throwing team cohesion into disarray. As they struggle to adjust and continue to trust each other, love and jealousy rear their heads, and a long hidden secret begins to grow too big to hide. This last bit seems a little vague to me and isn’t as gripping as some other elements of the query. In general, I’d like a lot more details about what this mission entails.

Their mission is due to end in a week, but despite the waning of the plague, the odds of the team making it back to central headquarters in one piece aren’t looking too great.

BEAUTIFUL WORLDS is a 70,322 word, standalone New Adult fiction novel novels are by definition fictitious, with elements of romance that include LGBT+ perspectives. Told from six, third-person points of view, it explores the relationships between the six members of the team, and their personal experiences during the plague. Six is a lot of point of view characters for a book. It’s also problematic in the query, because we aren’t actually introduced to any of the characters in the query, which is a little disconcerting to me. At this point I don’t feel like I have enough details about the characters or the plot. The world sounds interesting, but I’m not sure if it’s enough to really grab my interest.

I have had the odd piece of fiction published on fictionpress.net and fanfiction.net, although those have long since been taken down. Aside from writing, I also beta read, and have offered critiques for different pieces of writing so far.

Thank you for your time and consideration.