Query Critique 55

Dear Wonderful Agent,
Seventeen-year-old Adelie Elliot used to have big plans for her life. She wanted to get into a great college, marry her high school sweetheart, and become a doctor of psychology. Now, she’ll be happy if she just wakes up in the morning.
Between the nightmares laden with death threats and being stalked by mysterious shadow people, Adelie is a mess with paranoia.I would like to see the shadow people woven into the hook. An odd encounter with the shadows leads her to the discovery of an alternate world within dreams. Or the idea of a dream world would make a catchy hook. A clan of Dream Seekers welcomes her, ready to guide her in her new abilities as they take down stray nightmares and combat the growing threat in the land: the fallen god Morpheus. His plot to regain full control proves deadly to all that get in his way. Basically everything in this paragraph is more interesting than what you have in your first paragraph hook.
If Adelie is unable to shake the hold Morpheus has over her mind, she will fall under his control forever –and forfeit her life in reality. This is good, as it gives the reader a sense of what the stakes are. I would like to see this idea of Morpheus having mind control powers being more thoroughly explored.
Some dreams are hard to wake up from –for Adelie, it might be just be impossible. Sounds like an interesting concept!
SLEEPLESS CONFINEMENT is an 86,500 word YA fantasy novel with series potential. It is comparable to THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS and INCEPTION with mythological flare. Italicize the comparative titles to set them apart from your title.
I am currently raising two, rambunctious preschoolers at home that keep my imagination in working order. Like my protagonist, I drink entirely too much coffee and always have a crazy dream to share upon waking.
My completed manuscript is available at your request. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
As per your guidelines, the first XX pages of the novel are included below for your review.
Sincerely,
Dream Author
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