Query Critique 47

Dear Ms. Nelson,

Samuel Morgan is in serious trouble. Part of me likes this, but part of me feels like I want to just be told specifically why he is in serious trouble.

Not your average fourteen year old’s trouble, but more of the he-might-wind-up-dead-or-wish-he-was sort of trouble. It wasn’t so much the oversized Irishman whisking him away to a magical pocket of old Norway, or the fact that Shadow Casters were hot on their heels. Heck, it wasn’t even that his dorky parents turned out to be spellcasters. No, Sam has taken all of that pretty well. His problem is the Disgraced. I kind of feel like a lot of details are being thrown at me, and some of them are sort of vague. For instance, what is a Shadow Caster, and why should I be afraid of them? Also, why does this Irishman want to take him to maigical old Norway?

In his new life at the Viking stronghold turned spellcasters academy, everything was going surprisingly well; he’d even made some friends. But then they visited Australia. When Sam and Titus–the aforementioned Irishman–have a chilling encounter with the Disgraced everything changes. This is the second time that the Disgraced have been mentioned. And I still don’t know what they are. If they really are as important as I think they’re supposed to be, I need to know sooner what they are and why they’re important. Also, Australia seems kinda random. And really far away from Norway. Namely, Titus and Sam. Titus is quickly descending into despair. Worse still, Sam is changing. Every fear and failure he has known, true or imagined, threatens to swallow him up. He can’t let them be right. These sentences read as a little bit choppy.

Sam and his newfound friends must find a way to save Titus before it’s too late, but no one seems to know a thing about the ancient, parasitic evil. In truth, the hard part is getting someone to believe them. It’s hard for grownups to take you seriously when you’re chasing an old wives tale used to frighten children.  Every dead end they encounter sends Titus closer to enslavement. In a desperate measure, Sam procures some reliable information, if a bit unscrupulously. Ok, so he stole it, but this is important. Who does he steal it from? Are they the type of person we would feel sorry that he stole from? Unfortunately, the truth is hard to swallow, and things look dire for Titus. Now, Sam is forced to wonder what he is becoming. He has no choice: he must stop the Disgraced or lose Titus–and be lost himself. Clear stakes. Good. My overall comment is just that I need a better sense of world-building. In particular, I need a better understanding of how the Disgraced work.

THROUGH THE CASTER’S GATE is a young adult contemporary fantasy and is complete at 105,000 words. Diverse characters of varying cultures, ethnicities, and social classes will strike a chord with teens living in an increasingly diverse world. I think you can just say that it’s diverse. Agents already get why that’s important. This is my first novel. Although I do not possess any magical powers, I do have previous experience as a socially awkward teenager. I like this. Thankfully, I’m retired from that role. I am also a member of SCBWI.

My thanks for your time and attention. I have included the first ten pages per your guidelines for your consideration.  Synopsis and full manuscript are available upon your request.

Best Regards,

Ye Olde Norse


2 thoughts on “Query Critique 47

  1. I agree with Kyra. The first part of the query is very vague. I think you’d be better off doing something like, “When fourteen-year-old Samuel Morgan is whisked away to a magical land that shouldn’t exist, he knows he’s in trouble.” The more specific you are, the more likely you are to snag the readers attention. Him being in trouble can mean anything, and if I were an agent reading this, I’d want to know from the start.

    Kyra gives sage and wise advice. *gives a bow to the awesome one and dashes off*

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