Query Critique 45

Dear Ms. Nelson:

Claire is a white wolf. This is good in that it’s specific, but I think it could use a little more word magic or pizzaz or something. Human by day, werewolf by night. One night she goes off to hunt on her own. In her forest there are two sides, the white wolves and the black wolves, never to be crossed and never to be associated with. This is the source of your conflict, which makes it your bread and butter. Play that up for all it’s worth! After almost getting killed by a bear, she meets Seth, an interesting, charismatic, flirtatious boy eager to learn more about her. Filled with curiosity, along with an endless amount of attraction, Claire is faced with an impossible decision. “Faced with an impossible decision is sort of vague. Be clear when it comes to conflict and stakes.

Seth is a black wolf. Deemed by the forest as a “monster”, he finds a certain hunger towards nature. The wording here is a little confusing to me. Particularly towards Claire Ferguson, the wolf he chose to save. With his father coming back into his life, along with his new acquaintance on the other side, he has to decide whether betrayal is worth it. This sentence seemed a little vague the first time I read it. Tighten it up a bit. Also, where has his father been? And if he can muster up the strength to say goodbye to the only family he’s ever known.

LONE WOLF is a young adult paranormal novel about 54,500 words long. It is the first in the Lone Wolf series. My name is Werewriter, and The first half of the sentence is unnecessary since you sign your name. I decided to query you because I know you have a passion for what you do. Not only do I want to have a good relationship with an agent, but I also want them to fully enjoy the process. I can see that you love what you do, as much as I love to write, and I hope that you will consider me for representation. Thank you. This part also seems unnecessary. If you’re going to include some sort of personalization, I’d be very specific to the agent. You can read my article on personalizing queries here.

Sincerely,

Werewriter

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