Query Critique 39

Dear Ms. Agent:

Suji thought her abusive stepfather was bad, but life in the streets of New Delhi isn’t much better. Especially after she’s kidnapped by an Indian since you’ve already mentioned New Delhi, I’m not sure you need to specify Indian. cult who believes she’s the reincarnation of their goddess. Maybe include the name of the goddess. Now she’s expected to have a hunger for sharp swords and human throats, but worse, can’t keep her promise to rescue her sister. The bit about “hunger for sharp swords and human throats” is a little confusing for me.

After her escape leads to a near death experience that trashes her memories, Suji wakes in Hong Kong. With no idea how she’s gotten there, her confused mind soon finds a surrogate sister to rescue. When the young woman is murdered, Suji discovers an affinity for sharp objects, a knack for death, Maybe killing, this makes it sound like she has a knack for dying. and a burning desire to stop the prostitution gang responsible.

As the body count increases, Because Suji is killing people, or because others are killing to get to her? she’s hounded by visions of diabolical figures chasing her to a watery grave. When ritual sacrifices make the local headlines, Suji decides she can no longer tell reality from fantasy, and seals the horrors of her past deep within her mind—along with her burgeoning childhood memories.

Free of her nightmares, Suji journeys to America, where she will manipulate the CIA to destroy the gang. The “will” in this sentence is making the tense do funny things… But to avenge a sister she no longer remembers, Suji has become what she never wanted to be: Kali, goddess of death, bringer of change.

Sometimes destiny is just meant to be. I’d like to see a closer that has stakes attached.

BLACK RAIN is a 100,000-word suspense novel set during Hong Kong’s monsoon season. I’d like some indication of the age range. Is it YA? Adult? How old is Suji? Also, is it the first in a series, or a stand alone? Good overall sense of conflict, though.

Story Guru


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