Query Critique 36

Dear Kyra,

Starblood runs through Julana’s veins. This would be a better hook if I knew what starblood was.She’s managed to keep it a secret from everyone, except her guardians. If she doesn’t use its magic for their crimes, they steal her blood and use it anyway. Can you find a way to work this into the hook? Stealing blood is something that is immediately interesting, ergo, good hook. When Julana’s magic is exposed, she vows to use it one last time — to escape. Exposed to who? But escape sends her across the barrier to the Vendaran nation, a broken kingdom full of half-human, half-stars, more brutal magic, and her family’s dark secrets.

It’s no surprise the fabled nation exists, along with others like herself. For some reason the way this is worded made me think you were referring to Julana as a nation… But it’s harder for Julana to swallow that she’s heiress to its throne. She wants the love of her newly discovered family, not the responsibility of a nation. How did she discover these people are her family. Especially one that’s ruled by magic, and Nessa, the self-declared queen. Unlike Julana, Nessa has no qualms about using magic. She collects power by communing with dark spirits and uses it to control the people. And somewhere in her fortress she hides Julana’s mother, the rightful queen. Julana might not want the throne, but she wants her mother.

Julana fights the magic growing within her, and tempers the internal struggle by using it solely to heal. But Nessa has bottled some of Julana’s blood and can use it to enslave Julana alongside her mother. It will take more than healing spells to subvert Nessa. Where are healing spells coming from? Have they been mentioned before? Julana must choose to embrace the magic she despises or lose the mother she always wanted along with a nation desperate for freedom. The biggest thing this query suffers from is lack of world building. This is one of the hardest parts about writing fantasy pitches, because you can’t info dump. Still, we need a better idea of what the world is like and especially how the magic system works. The idea of blood being central to magic is unique, too. So you should play that up.

MAGIC DESPISED is a YA fantasy at 83,000 words with series potential. Any comparative titles? Below are the first five pages. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Red Magic

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