Query Critique 28

Dear Agent,

I have recently completed a Young Adult Thriller Manuscript, I don’t think thriller or manuscript should be capitalized. Definitely not manuscript. consisting of 65,000 words. I read your listing on [here] and [here]. My manuscript titled PROPHET’S GAMBIT, is a dark plot-driven thriller that borders on horror. Based on your interests, I think my manuscript might be what you’re looking for. I think this paragraph could be tightened up a little. “PROPHET’S Gambit is a Young Adult thriller complete at 65,000 words. Based on your interest in…” And I’d maybe move it to the end, since your hook is so grabbing.

17-yearold Daisy Fitzpatrick has doled out more death sentences than the Texas Prison system. And, it’s going to get her killed. Great hook.

Daisy’s a famous teenage psychic with a controlling, alcoholic, stage-parent of a mother. She’s not allowed a cellphone, computer, not even a TV. She has to sneak out just to see her best friend. Years of death threats have turned Daisy’s mother into a warden, sheltering her from the world outside, that is, when she’s not forcing her to do interviews. I feel like there are quite a few pronouns in these sentences. Daisy’s gift, seeing a person’s death in freaky detail, makes her a target.

For ten years Daisy has been a media spectacle. Her gifts are exploited by her mother. I’m a little confused. Her overprotective mom put her in the spotlight? Why would she do that? Little did either of them know that the spotlight would put both of their lives at risk. When a cryptic letter arrives and warns Daisy that a cult, The Order of God’s Temple have focused their efforts on her, her life is thrown into turmoil. Even Daisy isn’t sure she’ll make it through the month alive. I think the stakes need to be a little more established, and I think the best way to do that is by elaborating on how big of a threat this cult is.

Since I know you are actively seeking Young Adult, I am writing to ask if you would be interested in reading more of my material. I think it sounds a little smoother to just say “The completed manuscript is available upon request.”

Thank you for taking the time to read my query, I look forward to hearing your thoughts. This is a multiple submission.

Sincerely,

Grave Business

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One thought on “Query Critique 28

  1. An interesting query, but a slight niggle. The Texas prison system doesn’t dole out death sentences, juries do. The prison system just carries them out.

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