Query Critique 21

Well, this looks suspiciously like one of our contest winners ūüôā It’s cool to see the Twitter pitch turn into the full query.


 

I am querying you because of your interest in women’s fiction. PROJECT MATRIMONY is a 52,000 word women’s fiction that will appeal to readers of The Suitable Boy. I’d include the author’s name for your comparative title.

When twenty-four year old Neha is left standing alone at her wedding in Mumbai with nothing but henna designs on her hands as humiliating souvenirs, she has¬†to swallow her pride and do the unthinkable – embrace the age old Indian tradition of arranged marriages.¬†Try tightening this sentence up a little. I don’t think you need to specify Mumbai, since it’s clear from the rest of the query that the setting is India. I don’t think you need to specify that the henna is on her hands. Taking these out would make the sentence a little shorter.

Thanks to her nosy relatives, rumors¬†spread about¬†her scandal. Worried¬†the stigma will adversely affect her younger sibling’s prospects, her parents place¬†matrimonial ads in leading newspapers. While Neha is not entirely thrilled¬†about being reduced to¬†‘Hindu software engineer girl, slim, fair seeking alliance¬†with highly educated engineer¬†or doctor in Mumbai’,¬†she goes along with it for the sake of her parents. This sentence does a great job of giving the reader a lot of information very fast. Good job.¬†With her stressed father is on the brink of a second heart attack,she agrees to marry Sameer – a man¬†she barely knows and yet Neha knows in her heart that here is a man who would never walk out on her.¬†This sentence is a little clunky to me.¬†Play with it a little.

But when Neha is sent to New York on an IT consulting gig, somewhere between battling snow storms to I think this to should be an and getting mugged, she falls for another man. Now Neha is having second thoughts about her impending nuptials. But with the potential love of her life planning to marry a U.S citizen to permanently stay in America, Neha must choose between traditions and her own desires. Good. Establishes stakes.

Classified

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