Dear Ms Nelson:
They thought no one could hear them. I’m not a huge fan of ambiguous “they” in the first sentence. But they underestimated the deaf man. I think this might flow better as one sentence with a comma, but that may just be personal preference.
Dr. Marcy Adrian has dealt with death before. After all, she’s a physician. It’s different when it’s family. Her deaf nephew, Jeremy, was really more of a little brother. And he was murdered in cold-blood. I don’t think this needs a hyphen.
Jeremy is found dead in the bankrupt offices of the Dallas-based technology company where he worked. Later, she she being Marcy? discovers an email from him written just before his murder. The subject was an ominous warning; “Don’t tell anyone.” The cryptic message was a link with a video, proprietary software and the words: “Your son holds the key.”
Jeremy’s employer is arrested and the bankruptcy trustee opens a parallel investigation looking for fraud. Marcy join forces and together they are led down a path of espionage, blackmail and ultimately, murder. This paragraph isn’t doing much for me. I don’t think it’s necessary. If I jumped right into the next paragraph I would still know what’s going on.
Against her better judgement, Marcy enlists in her son’s help to unlock Jeremy’s message. Delving into his life she finds he kept lots of secrets. No surprise — he worked for a surveillance firm. When she realizes some secrets were sold and the answers might lie in his lip-reading skill, she must set aside her own moral judgment and face the dark secret of their shared past. That time, Jeremy was the only witness. This leaves me asking questions, but not the good kind. This seems too vague to be gripping to me. The “that time” is not something I’m aware of, so it doesn’t mean anything to me.
This time, the clock is ticking. What is “this time” referring to? As opposed to the other times she’s solved the murder of a relative? Jeremy’s last email is also embedded with a tracking mechanism that makes Marcy’s family the killer’s next target. And everyone has unfinished business.
My 84,000-word novel, UNFINISHED BUSINESS, is set in Dallas with speculative elements like Michael Crichton and will appeal to fans of Stephen White and Kathy Reichs. I’m a member of both Mystery Writers of America and Sisters in Crime. I spent many years at an auction company specializing in corporate bankruptcy liquidations. I’ve also been a speech-reader (lip-reader) for twenty years. This is good to include. I’m currently working on my second novel, WORK IN PROGRESS. I wouldn’t mention the second novel. Focus on the one you’re pitching. Also, somewhere in this paragraph, I’d like to see a specific genre. Mystery or Thriller or such.